It was all very unexpected. I met him at a party, and I don’t normally go to parties. I find them boring. There are always other things I’d rather do than listen to people talk about stuff I don’t care about (sports, the weather) or treat things I do care about (meditation, Enlightenment) in such a superficial way, as if you could become enlightened by doing hatha yoga and eating organic food.
And I was living quite happily with my girlfriend. We’d been together for five years, and it suited me just fine. So really it was a complete surprise when it happened. I was introduced to him at a party, and when we shook hands a shock ran through my body. I visibly shivered, and though he barely suppressed a laugh at my response, I could tell he felt it too.
He mentioned he was going hiking the next day and asked if we wanted to go. I remember being so relieved that my girlfriend had to work because I really wanted to be alone with him. Then on the hike, my life was turned upside down. I fell in love with him immediately. I appreciate how crazy that sounds, but it felt so good to be with him. I was so at ease. Even though we’re really different in many ways, I’d never felt more comfortable with someone in my life. It felt like we’d known each other for years (which, of course, we had, just not in this lifetime). It was so easy to talk to him, and just as easy to be in silence—we truly were in our own happy bubble together.
The strangest thing for me was my attraction to him. I’d never really been that interested in men, but this man, my god, everything about him, the way he smelled, the way his hands looked strong but also sensitive, the hair on his chest—all of it was SO appealing.
And everything moved fast. I broke up with my girlfriend right away. I knew it was over. There was nothing for us to work on, my heart was already someplace else. He had a large, sprawling house and said I could stay there while I looked for a new place. He thought I might want my own space at first to get used to things (being in a gay relationship), but I knew we weren’t ever going to spend the night apart, so why pretend.
After a year or so, we moved out of that house and got a house that was ours together, with a little bit of land, and a barn I could use as my studio. And it was great, it really was. We had many good years together.
Here’s what happened—because I know no one thought we’d ever end. And in truth, no one wanted us to end. People love to believe in soul mates and undying love, and we offered that story.
I’d been meditating for many years. I don’t mean that feel-a-little-bit-better-and-more-serene meditation. I mean meditating in an enlightened lineage—the kind of meditation that knocks your socks off, that dissolves every filter of the mind, that burns away all karmas, all tendencies, and all stories. One day, when only the thinnest of egoic veils remained, I emerged from samadhi. I was drenched in love and bliss, and went up behind my love as he worked at his desk. I wrapped my arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. And as I continued to feel that love and bliss from my meditation, it was clear in that moment that the love I was feeling had nothing to do with him, or any person. That love is enlightenment itself, and it is always there regardless of relationship or circumstance. Love is indeed eternal, it just doesn’t have anything to do with a person.
Yes, we could have stayed together anyway. Perhaps someone enlightened somewhere has done that. But our story had extended over many lifetimes, and had been very intense and heavy, and now it was over. It just was. Once it was seen to be yet another story occurring in Consciousness, I couldn’t keep telling it. It was gone. And it felt so great to be empty, without any story, even a soul mate story, like this one with my Romeo.
Enlightenment Fan Fiction 