dreaming the end of all dreams
When I first met my teacher,
she invited me to stay in her house.
She showed me the guest room,
and the extra towels.
When I was stronger,
I moved out on my own,
but visited frequently,
laughing, shining.
Later we moved in together—
dancing, dancing always!
Though my neighbors
seem to think I live alone.
Belle
The dream keeps coming. In it a woman appears on the other side of a bridge. She’s wearing a non-descript dress, but her face is shining and her whole body is surrounded by light. She holds her hand out to me and I know we’ll be together soon. I’ve waited for her for so long.
The teacher
She pulled her fur-lined cloak closer, closer to keep out the blasts of cold air. As she trudged through the snowy forest, she thought, “Just ugh, ugh. I can’t believe as the snows are beginning, I have to travel through the forest again, back to that castle and back to the people who think of me as an ‘enchantress.’” And yet, this was her greatest joy. She went where the company sent her, and happily so. It was the only thing worth doing. Indeed, it was the only point.
When I heard Cogsworth let someone into the castle, my ears pricked up. Even though the castle now has the policy of allowing any and all visitors to stay as long as they need, in practice, not much has changed since the spell was broken. Even though all are welcome, the truth is visitors are few and far between because the castle is so isolated, deep in the forest, and far away from roads and towns.
So I was excited for a visitor and a dash of something new. What surprised me most after the spell was broken, was how quickly everyone fell back into their normal lives. They almost completely forgot about our battle, their liberation and the magic of it all. Besides a few jokes and innuendos based on the objects people had been turned into (“Does that make your clock tick?”), no one seemed to think about what had happened. Indeed, as someone who continued to marvel over our story, I’d started to think of myself as a bit of an addict, not of some drug, but of drama. Because while I wouldn’t wish that situation on us again, I did miss the sense of purpose I had and the intensity of it all. I love my prince and everyone here, but life now doesn’t feel that much different from the provincial life I left behind.
As I came down the stairs to greet our guest, I caught my first glimpse of her and froze. This was the woman from my dreams. As she spun out of her cloak, I saw her morph into an old Asian woman with long, straight grey hair and black diamond eyes. Then as she turned to look at me, she shifted again into a very tall and thin figure that seemed to be lit from within, as if her skin was a container of light instead of bones, tissue and blood.
As I gazed down at her from the staircase landing, she flipped back to her original form, ran up the stairs in magnificent leaps and stood right in front of me. She scrutinized me closely and laughed, while down in the foyer, she simultaneously handed her cloak to Cogsworth, who was clearly not seeing what I was seeing!
Mrs. Potts broke the moment when she entered the foyer, offering our guest tea and sandwiches before the fire. The lady smiled and spoke to Mrs. Potts, but I couldn’t hear a word she said. It was like her voice was traveling through gelatin and all I could hear was a rumbling reminiscent of some other time and place.
That night at dinner, she sat across from me and I could see flames all around her. I kept my amazement quiet because I could tell that no one else was seeing this. And as I had that thought, she looked right at me, smiled and winked.
The next day I purposely ran into her while she was out in the frozen gardens giving seeds to our little bird friends. She asked me to go on a stroll and I felt a wave of excitement. She said she was my teacher from previous lives and she was here to get me so we could continue our journey together. I explained that while I did have some inexplicable fondness for her, I had just moved there recently and had no interest in moving on. I planned to spend the rest of my life with the prince.
After letting me babble on a bit about my planned future, she stopped under a large oak tree and stood in front of me. She placed her hand on my chest and said, “Shhhh.” I felt warm butter melt from the top of my head, through my shoulders, down my arms and trunk, through my hips and down my legs, to my toes.
I began to cry and said, “Who are you? Why are you here?”
“You know who I am. As to why, it’s our time again.”
Snorting and crying I said, “It’s just I thought I’d be here a while.”
“Yes, I sympathize with you. Initially it’s hard to let go of the idea of how your life is going to go, even if deep inside you want something else. Part of dropping that idea is realizing where power and love really reside for you. For instance, you thought you were fighting towards a normal, happy life—an HEA with the prince. But what really had power for you in your saga, where the real love was—was in saving your father’s life and fighting for the transformation of all the beings in the castle. The HEA is nice sounding, but it doesn’t have any power, any juice, or as you think of it, any drama. Once the struggle was over, you were bored in short order. Even though your mind is fighting me on this, you know it’s true, and you know that you are the one who pulled me here. You are the one who is ready to go on a new journey.”
I know what she’s saying is true, but the idea of leaving my prince feels bad. I mean, we just got started, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. She said he will find someone new—and sooner than I’d like, frankly—and that this new woman will be more appropriate for him anyway. He needs to stabilize in this new way of loving, and even though he loves me, it’s harder with me around because my energy is so strong and transformative.
So here I am. Ready to set out on a new journey on the shortest day of the year. Most people think I am crazy to leave the castle with this lady, because for them it would be crazy! But I’m different. I’ve always known it, and everyone else has too (they even used to sing about it). What makes me tick is experiences in light, not the regular experiences that work for most people. So through everyone’s tears and protests, I’m setting out with her. The morning is cold, but I feel bright and sharp, and golden warm being next to my teacher.
I laid down the lower occult,
like a book I started to read,
that began to bore me.
I thought they were after me,
because I was bright and a teacher.
(They were, I was.)
I moved to a new neighborhood,
and didn’t leave a forwarding address.
I laid down the physical too—
it’s just one more dimension to let go of.
What a relief.
That book had been read a million times.
I moved to many new neighborhoods,
never left a forwarding address,
always paid the bills.
I even let go of the power spots.
They’ve largely closed shop,
and besides,
I’m the doorway now.
For my friend
True devotion
requires no hashtag.
Admiration of your practice
is not required.
Janitor, cook, project manager,
hidden diamond.
Only an expert jeweler
can see your true worth.
The classic teaching story tells of a tiger who was killed by a hunter as she was attacking a herd of goats. The tiger was pregnant and as she died, she gave birth to a cub. The cub grew up in the company of the goats. It was nursed by a nanny goat, and as it grew up, it ate grass and bleated like the goats. Gradually the cub became a huge tiger, but it continued to eat grass, bleat, and run away from predators, like all the other goats. One day a fierce tiger attacked the herd. It was amazed to see a tiger in the herd eating grass and running away with the goats at its approach. It caught hold of the grass-eating tiger, which bleated and tried to run away, and dragged her to the river and said, “Look at your face in the water. See you have the face of a tiger, exactly like mine!” Next it pressed a piece of meat into the tiger’s mouth. At first she refused to eat it, but then she got a taste of it, and relished it. The fierce tiger then said, “Now open your mouth and roar like me. Wake up and roar!”
In this story, living like a goat is living in a conditioned and bound way, unaware of your true nature. Going away with the fierce tiger is taking refuge with the guru, who is one’s true relative, and who awakens you to your true self. To see one’s face rightly is to know one’s true self.
In the Company of Goats Remix, feat. DJ Saraswati
Mama goat said: “You’re the prettiest goat of all. Don’t pay attention to those bullies who call you fat. You’re hefty but it is becoming. And surely they are jealous of your lush orange fur and stripes. But truly, I don’t know what to do about these digestive problems. I’ve never had a kid who couldn’t eat grass day in and out without problems. There is something different about you for sure.”
And Mama later: “Be a good goat and stay close. Keep the natural order and have some kids and we can all be in good company together.” (And unspoken, “Stay close and entertain me, please!!”)
Brother goat: “Your sharp teeth and claws don’t intimidate me because I make more money than you do!”
Papa goat: “Don’t worry about what your brother says—someday you too will make a lot of money. (And unspoken, “Though I don’t actually believe you will.”)
Husband goat: “Personally, I love your pussy-ish quality. I don’t know where it comes from, but I’m happy to bathe in it.”
After the Tiger saw her true face:
Mama goat: “I feel sad for you that you’re rejecting the love and connection of the goat community.”
Sister goat: “Some part of me always knew you were a tiger. I love you. I get it. Send me a postcard when you think of it.”
(Tongue firmly in cheek)
Regular old version
He who dies with the most toys wins
My significant other is a some guy/gal
My other car is a Porsche
Enlightenment Fan Version!!!
She who dies with the most light wins
My significant other is God
My other car is nirvakalpa samadhi
I once heard an author describe a realization she had while shopping with a friend. He pointed at a t-shirt in a window that said “Forgot to have children” and jokingly said, “That’s you.” She immediately and unexpectedly burst into tears, and in that moment, saw it was true. She’d been so busy with all the cool and interesting things in her life, she hadn’t made family a priority. In that vein:
Regular old version
Forgot to have children
Enlightenment Version (not recommended)
Forgot to become enlightened
It was all very unexpected. I met him at a party, and I don’t normally go to parties. I find them boring. There are always other things I’d rather do than listen to people talk about stuff I don’t care about (sports, the weather) or treat things I do care about (meditation, Enlightenment) in such a superficial way, as if you could become enlightened by doing hatha yoga and eating organic food.
And I was living quite happily with my girlfriend. We’d been together for five years, and it suited me just fine. So really it was a complete surprise when it happened. I was introduced to him at a party, and when we shook hands a shock ran through my body. I visibly shivered, and though he barely suppressed a laugh at my response, I could tell he felt it too.
He mentioned he was going hiking the next day and asked if we wanted to go. I remember being so relieved that my girlfriend had to work because I really wanted to be alone with him. Then on the hike, my life was turned upside down. I fell in love with him immediately. I appreciate how crazy that sounds, but it felt so good to be with him. I was so at ease. Even though we’re really different in many ways, I’d never felt more comfortable with someone in my life. It felt like we’d known each other for years (which, of course, we had, just not in this lifetime). It was so easy to talk to him, and just as easy to be in silence—we truly were in our own happy bubble together.
The strangest thing for me was my attraction to him. I’d never really been that interested in men, but this man, my god, everything about him, the way he smelled, the way his hands looked strong but also sensitive, the hair on his chest—all of it was SO appealing.
And everything moved fast. I broke up with my girlfriend right away. I knew it was over. There was nothing for us to work on, my heart was already someplace else. He had a large, sprawling house and said I could stay there while I looked for a new place. He thought I might want my own space at first to get used to things (being in a gay relationship), but I knew we weren’t ever going to spend the night apart, so why pretend.
After a year or so, we moved out of that house and got a house that was ours together, with a little bit of land, and a barn I could use as my studio. And it was great, it really was. We had many good years together.
Here’s what happened—because I know no one thought we’d ever end. And in truth, no one wanted us to end. People love to believe in soul mates and undying love, and we offered that story.
I’d been meditating for many years. I don’t mean that feel-a-little-bit-better-and-more-serene meditation. I mean meditating in an enlightened lineage—the kind of meditation that knocks your socks off, that dissolves every filter of the mind, that burns away all karmas, all tendencies, and all stories. One day, when only the thinnest of egoic veils remained, I emerged from samadhi. I was drenched in love and bliss, and went up behind my love as he worked at his desk. I wrapped my arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. And as I continued to feel that love and bliss from my meditation, it was clear in that moment that the love I was feeling had nothing to do with him, or any person. That love is enlightenment itself, and it is always there regardless of relationship or circumstance. Love is indeed eternal, it just doesn’t have anything to do with a person.
Yes, we could have stayed together anyway. Perhaps someone enlightened somewhere has done that. But our story had extended over many lifetimes, and had been very intense and heavy, and now it was over. It just was. Once it was seen to be yet another story occurring in Consciousness, I couldn’t keep telling it. It was gone. And it felt so great to be empty, without any story, even a soul mate story, like this one with my Romeo.
If you become enlightened, who will you disappoint?
Your mother—YES
Your father—yes
Other family—yes and no
Friends—probably not, the ones who’d be disappointed are long gone
Neighbors and colleagues—yes
Employers / the Government / advertisers—yes
People who want you to live your life in a way that satisfies them—YES
Your teacher—No
You—NO.
If you don’t become enlightened, who will you disappoint?
YOU.
Ghost King: Son, I have come to tell you of the betrayal of our line.
Hamlet: Is this vision really you, or is my wish to see your face once more dreaming this form into existence?
Ghost King: No, you dream not. Tis I, your father. Deeply troubled by the events that befell me, I am wandering, wandering day and night. I get no rest. I am unsatisfied and hungry for revenge on he who betrayed me.
Hamlet: Tell me, my father, what has happened? Why do you not move on to the place where you may rest until it is time for you to descend into flesh again?
Ghost King: Indeed son, I am very troubled. I have such tremblings of anger that I cannot be at peace. Listen now to what happened, and restore my peace by seeking vengeance on your uncle!
Claudius murdered me—he poisoned me and stole all that was mine—my throne, my wife, my people, but not yet you, my son. It is up to you to avenge my death! You must set it all to right!
Hamlet: Father, this is grievous indeed. I was angry at Mother for marrying Uncle while the dirt on your grave was still muddy and wet, but I see the true fault lies with him. What karma between the three of you has triggered this unfortunate unfolding? Or is it just a grasping state of mind within my uncle?
What misery we bring upon ourselves, when truly we could all be in such a paradise, living in Elsinore with our loved ones, surrounded by beautiful gardens, majestic game, and the clear, cool river. Why instead has this route been chosen? Why did he need to be the one in power? Did he think it would bring him happiness to kill his brother and usurp the throne? Surely anyone could see that would not end well. The mind would be so burdened with the murder, that no moment on the throne would be clear and proud.
Ghost King: Son, I say it again, avenge you must this egregious fortune!
Hamlet: What is important is I free you from this hell you occupy.
Ghost King: Yes! With the death of Claudius I will be satisfied and can leave this insubstantial and transient state.
Hamlet: Actions may or may not be taken against my uncle—that is still to be seen. But you must be quenched now. Come let the cool waters of the Buddha extinguish the fire of your rage. I cannot let you remain here bound to this fire. Let me grab your hand, if even just in my mind, and let us sit before the Lord, and be enveloped by his light, and his love.
Let us realize that this story with Uncle has only a transient reality, and that when we fix upon eternity, that reality evaporates like a drop of dew touched by the sun. In the light, let us see how all cares, even the good ones, disappear. Come with me there. Let us dissolve, once and for all, this vengeance you carry.
Ghost King: Son, even at the word vengeance, I am reminded of Claudius’ treachery and am anew with burning fire in my heart. For the honor of our family and our line, you must make things right. You must avenge my death!
Hamlet: Again I say, let us now to the Buddha, and sit in the shower of his light. If then, you can still even remember what vengeance is, then we can plan.
Both Hamlets walk down to the river and sit under the willow tree.
Hamlet: Still your mind, father. Feel the bright love that is your heart. Let this love expand out, wave after wave, engulfing all that is around us until it swallows the entire earth, and then, all the universe.
Hamlet thus showed his father the Lord. And drunk with love, all story of this Earth disappeared. A sweet brightness took over the old king, and the ghost began to disappear from Hamlet’s sight. No longer bound to his story of vengeance, he was free to move on, and did.
Hamlet now had to see the correct way to deal with his uncle. Getting things set to right in this physical existence is never-ending. He wouldn’t be sad when his time here was finally done and he no longer had to be.
Because when they show that iconic San Francisco shot,
colorful Victorian houses descending like steps down a hill (Alamo Square).
I had a friend who lived there (dead now—AIDS),
breakfast room moments, view of downtown and the Bay,
scones, coffee, Vespa trips together round town.
And when a helicopter shot pans the Manhattan skyline,
I worked there,
and there.
Lived there.
Sun and wind-scrubbed walks home, from work, along the river.
And Paris, don’t get me started.
Should we count the visits in this life or
include the past ones as well?
Everything has been seen.
(An exaggeration.)
I’ll tell you one place I won’t go—Las Vegas.
(Venice, Egypt, Bellagio, New York, Paris—seen them all, sans slot machines.)
The illusion holds no allure, when you’ve experienced the real.
More importantly, I don’t gamble.
If I want something, nothing is left to chance.
Nothing to luck.
I wanted Enlightenment, and chose it!
Enlightenment Fan Fiction 